Attitude of Gratitude

One would think that moving back home is a time of exciting rediscovery. Returning back home allows you to do all the things you can’t do when you live abroad: Like eat all the things you can’t get abroad (like cupcakes), catch up on TV shows you can’t get (like hours and hours of the Food Network), go to old haunts in your city, and experience all the day-to-day things you missed while you were gone (like good service). I guess I can’t visit any old haunts because I’m new to Boston, but all the other things that I would have thought I’d look forward to seem to fall oddly flat.

Perhaps what I’m going through is a natural cycle to repatriation. Because I gotta tell you, I feel now like I don’t belong here.

I feel like the US society today somehow isn’t a representation of who I am. I am not sure I can express myself clearly (even in my head) but I’ll try. It isn’t like the USA has changed while I was gone or that there is some fundamental change to the country – there might be, however that isn’t what I’m feeling. I sense that I’ve somehow lost a piece of myself (or my sense of myself?).

I’m not talking about anything regarding Amsterdam either. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was one person when I left and now that I returned I am someone else. Not like I grew up (even though I did) or improved myself (which I also I did) – it is more like when I left I lost a part of my American self and picked up some other pieces. I have added new “worldly” attributes to my personality, if you can say that.

Now, I am no longer just an American. I fall into some other category. Perhaps the category of American-who-has-lived-abroad-in-Australia-and-The-Netherlands-and-has-returned-home. I’m not sure what that makes me.

But how I’m feeling right now is very uncomfortable.

People often ask me if I miss A’dam. I request that they ask me again in 6 months. Right now I’m just trying to make my way and it wouldn’t be fair to either Boston or A’dam if I said I liked one over the other or missed my old home. I just got to Boston and really don’t know how I feel.

I think what happens when you live internationally is that you take a little bit of each place with you, if that makes any sense. I have fond memories of some of the nicer aspects of living in Amsterdam, which I have brought back here with me (while I still religiously make fun of the negative things!!) and I incorporate those into my daily life back here. At the same time I try to cut out some of the more negative aspects of American society, and yes, there are a few.

I feel restless. This in-between stage I currently am in is not a place where I feel content. And I wonder, will I ever feel “normal”? Or do my experiences preclude me from feeling anywhere is “home” again?

One thing is for sure, I don’t know what I’m doing here.